Hello all. Today I thought I would address some of the rumours surrounding the nature of whatsherface's lovechild from that awful show the Good Life or the Real Life or whatever the hell it's called. First of all The Blum don't make promises to no dame, no matter how crunchy. That should be clear. I cannot control the sensual demands of this earthly body and as a result can sometimes black out during sexual encounters. This may be the reason why I may or may not have fathered some children in the past. It is not very clear either way. Ms. Richie knew this going into this relationship and has sent me a lovely e-card to tie up loose ends---
--Hello my love,
I am quite pregnant. I do not hold you accountable because you are the Blum and I was just lucky to get a hold of your delicious man juices and I know that your semen is too smart to keep its home in my wasted woman's area as it has much better things to do.
PS. I knew you faked it, but thanks anyway. My ego needed it as I am shallow and needed the boost.
Cheers,
N.
----
Do you see children? This was a perfect relationship. Ms. Richie understood the needs and demands of the Blum perfectly.
For all those sensual dames out there who want to get in the Blum's goodbook, I have compiled my Top Ten Sexy Needs. They are as follows-
10--Doing amusing tricks with your buttocks is always an acceptable way of breaking the ice. Opening bottles of beer? Yes please! Alec Baldwin was really good at this and I really miss him....
9--Adopting physical traits of other races is a big turn on. Do it.
8--Sometimes my member gets tired, give it a soothing bath in my special
mini-Blumtub and don't be stingy on the camomile!
7--Only ever wear the Billy Baldwin mask if my heart fails from repeated anal probes into Blumville USA.
6--Connected to 7. Blum feels that anal pleasure has been unkindly centred on the female of the species when dealing with heterosexual relationships, a tasteful strap-on does the job with class and ability. Don't be afraid!
5--Sometimes I like to scat {NO! NOT LIKE THAT!!} when I'm making love. Nothing frees me up like a goodbeebopbombedoobiscadababeedobeebop! Again feel free to join in.
4--I expect a clean upstairs as much as I expect a clean downstairs. Always wash your brain out with great literature as my love making sometimes requires a steady mind to fully appreciate the intellectually omnipotent crotch-bound statements that I am want to make.
3--Sometimes I will involve animals in our lovemaking. Please be rest assured that this is only as an observing role and one that I made in a plea bargain with the King of the Animals {the Lion} in an effort to jump start his marraige. Oh and never look them straight in the eye, they hate that.
2--I expect severe commitment, unless I state otherwise.
1--Look exactly like this-)
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