Tales From the Fringe

Hello children! Long time no hear- I'm sure you've missed me. I have been abroad in the Chicago. It was a lovely little misadventure that I'm sure was good for all those crazy lovely ladies that I visited along the way. To keep you all up to date Alec has been sent to solitary to think about what he did. Now Alec I know you have a computer in there so I'll make this brief- You need to straighten up and fly right buddy boy. There was no call for what you did to that woman, 'k? Seriously dude, it was totally uncool. I know you did it to make a point, that is, that you were so shamefully depressed at my absence and needed to lash out at my sexual practices, but man alive that was over the top. After I cleaned up the mess though, I did think it was funny.
Just a little bit...

Anyway I have some incredible tales for you. So sit back, unload your belt buckled pants and release That Lovin' Feelin' on your nearest and dearest and prepare for sensual taxin' Blumboy style.


I was staying in the Four Points Hotel near Michigan Ave. just a bit the ways up Angelina Jolie was sleeping in a different hotel- read: more expensive and stuffy. When I walked along the street checking out the femme fetales-a-plenty I spied miss Jolie walking about looking scorching hot. I could tell she was begging for some tough love so I yelled out to her-

"Hello Angelina! Hello! Angelina? Angelina?? Angelina?? Angelina?? It's me, Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum! JEFF GOLDBLUM! Angelina?? Hello??"

She eventually turned around and gave me a wave, translated from femme language I could tell what she was saying- "I want you Goldblum." Who am I to argue with the lady?
I went down to the Pharmacy where they had many different condoms.

I picked the one with the best package and I moved on. I went back to the Four Points and I got out their complementary oil and got my favourite lathering tool and went to work- women like it when you're oily. So I walked over there but they said she had gone out to Borders {the book shop, not the brothel.} Sure enough when I walked over there, I saw her.



The woman had too much class for a random Blum-spray attack so I thought I'd take the subtle approach. I ducked into a bush {no, not like that} and applied several layers of classy make-up.
I then affixed a corsage and went out there firing one-liners.
Here is a collection of them, as transcribed from police report--

"Hey how are ya? Where ya from?
I'll come at ya like a diagonal mink trap catcher.
Oily and tasteful like a tree.
Beautiful and green, swaying in the wind baby like a Bovril Hula Hoop.
Something tells me that you'd like a maverick- check the gloves- pure leather.
Take a whip to me, I won't swear- see I'm good for the kid.
You might want to cover his ears when I take a slicing glare to your doubly massive chest however as the ladies always give in to KING LUST when I take out Little Jeffy Blum-boy.
You can be the Jeffica Blumingstein to my Blum-boy.

I've got a compendium of apples, they're green like my abilities- mmm green and fragrant. "

She then screamed and ran away. I was wondering what had happened when I got jumped from behind. Two days later I'm let out and I come running back to you.