You heard it first here friends! Let's bring you up to speed.
A few weeks back me and me, Jeff Goldblum, my friend Alec Baldwin and actor/spiritual guru Charlie Sheen took up residence on a sassy little board called the Smile Shop.
I was ADORED by the population there and we traded in sexy Jeff Goldblum pictures.
Everything was good. An old rival showed up a few weeks into this fun however.
This man was known to me as BURT REYNOLDS.
Burt had always had a thing for me and I had tried time and again to make it clear to him that he just wasn't my type. He had a very small penis and reeked of gin. Now some say Burt was a classy guy and I'll be honest and say that I was taken in for a while too. I appreciated his vernacular and saucy black and white porno. In fact the black and white porno was enough for me to love him forever. However as time went on and Alec faced some trials and tribulations with alcohol and young Japanese prostitutes dressed liked Cat in the Hat, Burt Reynolds started to show hallmark signs of being a bit GAY. Now me, Jeff Goldblum loves all his children.
I don't care if you're gay, bi or just a sensual Japanese porno actress named Sora Aoi, I want to make it with all of you, trust me. It's just Burt kept getting close and when I would give him some sugar he'd punch my balls and call me a dirty trouser snake lookin' for brown goods.
Then he'd spit on me and say that in his day he would have castrated a man for being GAY.
This was not only insulting to me and my intelligence, it was frankly homophobic and biggoted.
This is the last communication from Burt from about three weeks ago from an IM conversation:
Burt: Hello Jeff.
Jeff: Hell Burt, how are you?
Burt: I need it in me Jeff.
Jeff: What???
Burt: Um..... I need the goodness of the Lord Jeff.
Jeff: Burt, I told you before, just call me Jeff.
Burt: No! You sick faggot! I need the goodness of the Lord!
Jeff: Hey! Hey, calm down there buddy or I'll pull something trigger happy on ya and it won't be my finely toned butt cheeks.
Burt: Why ya gotta be like this Jeff?? Why ya gotta be like this??
Jeff: You need to admit to yourself Burt, that you are Gay. It's not an issue to me as I am omni-sexual and exist to pleasure all of my children {over the age of 18}. You have got to admit it for your own good.
Burt: I'm a man Jeff and I will bust you up if you say this again...... I need nothin' but the burly hair of the Lord lying on my chest, nothing but the manly juices of the good Lord, nothin' but the gay hotpants of the Lord. That's all the gayness I need Jeff! Cause I'm NOT GAY!! I'm gonna show em all Jeff! I'm gonna show em all!
Jeff: Burt are you ok?
Jeff: Burt??
{Last message received at 23:34}
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Burt if you're out there Buddy, I love ya. Call me. I hope you're ok.
