Hey! Jeff Goldblum here with yet another stunning entry (easy!) in my catalogue of savoury delights in "Jeff's Travels Around the World (featuring that ass Alec Baldwin)".In our last installment me and that boor Alec Baldwin solved the problems in Tibet.
Today I am going to recount our adventures exploring the mysterious and secret filled pyramids of Egypt in a segment I like to call
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"I sphinx I'm in Africa-- where's the famine?"
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We approached the southern pyramids from the eh... south and soon met some enchanting locals. They wore bags on their heads like some ridiculous Whole Foods marketing ploy.
"Hey there," I introduced myself. "Do ya know where two rollicking and rolling bachelors could find some rest?" They responded by gesturing towards the mighty Pyramids of Egypt!
In their primitive way they managed to direct us with some degree of certainty. Amazing, isn't it? Even with their less educated ways, they were still able to function with at least 50% of the perception of a normal educated man. Using our Duracell© brand torch, we wandered into the hideous structure of the olden days. Alec quickly became a quivering mess, urinating many times on his own suede shoes. Being a born explorer, I threw him on my strong man back and hauled that son of a gun down the deep tunnels leading down, down, down into the depths of the mysterious Pyramids of Egypt!
Down the way, there were evil vibrations emanating from most corners of the room.
A coffin (or as the simps call it, a sarcophagus) was in the middle of the room.
Remembering the incredible detail featured in the Balin's Tomb scene in my extended edition of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, I knew not to drop anything down a well, should I encounter one. Luckily for me, there was a serious lack of wells so I proceeded to open up that creepy coffin and have a gander inside. "Jesus wept!" cried Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin who was still on my back. There was the greatest load of treasure you have ever seen in your mortal life.
At least a hundred.
Filling up our sack (easy!) with shiny jewels, we proceeded to climb out of that dank hole and wandered back to Blumboy#1 which we had landed on a small shit-bucket called Cairo.
Getting on board we were heroes to the people and kings to the (obviously fake!) gods of Egypt.
I then blessed myself three times with the oil of Jesus and strapped myself in.
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Join me next time for part 4 when we go to the G8 summit to lay the smack-down on those political snakes!
