I am back again, this time with Part 4 of Jeff's Travels Around the World. Before we get down to business, I must inform you that I have recently received word from Mr. Alec Baldwin.His letter follows--
---
Dearest Jeffy,
I am writing to tell you that I miss you greatly.
I haven't been able to get along without your gentle kisses and advice in the boudoir. I particular miss your play-by-plays of my few successful encounters with what some dub "the orgasm".
I'm here now, in my ex-wife's tool-shed (please, no jokes) weeping into my bran muffin. Oh Jeffy, when did it all go wrong buddy? We used to be so tight, like too fearsome jungle tigers going on the hunt.
I guess, it's just one of those things eh?
I do want to return some day and maybe we can again, scout for ass down by the marina.
Love ya man, love ya every day.
Your pal in exile,
Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin
-------
Well, Alec, if you want to come back you know what you have to do.
Apologise and come and see my play with Kevin Spacey. You'd love him, he likes to frequent the marina too.....
Kisses!
-------
Anyway.... in Part 3 we discovered why they call the pyramids "full of treasure mounds". In this part, we will talk about Alec's one shining moment of heroism.
This is the tale of Alec's Sexual Intimidation of the Leaders of the World in something Alec liked to call,
------
"Dinners at 12, don't be G-8" *
-----
This took place at the last G-8 meeting of all those crazy world leaders when me and Alec crashed Blumboy#1 on the outskirts of Heiligendamm, Germany. Unfortunately I had fallen asleep and Alec had taken the controls in my absence. "Alec, you blasted CAD! What have you done?" He didn't respond, simply rocking back and forth with his buddy Jack Daniels.
"You damn fool, didn't you know that the 2007 G-8 Summit Meeting is taking place in this very town, this fair morn?" Again, no answer. I decided to take the initiative, something I do very well. Packing up some light mid-day snacks and plenty of cocktail material for Alec to concoct should be meet any beautifully large German maidens, we made our way off of Blumboy#1 and into the nondescript settings of this German... place. It's one thing that always amazes me about Alec, no matter his blood alcohol level, he can still make the most complex and impressive cocktails, it actually seems to aid him in his pursuit for the "New Sound".
We eventually stumbled across some small houses, filled with simple folk. Or so we thought!
We had in fact stumbled across the G-8 Summit! All of those crazy world leaders were there.
George Bush, um... Tony Blair... possibly... that French guy. You get the idea.
They looked surprised that we had found their secret hiding place and drew their blades.
I immediately jumped into action, striking George "Monkey Boy" Bush in the throat with my steel-like fingers. Blair was too quick for me however, going straight for the crotch area.
Winded and on the floor, I tried to formulate a plan. Alec had passed out drunk in the corner.
They weren't even paying attention to him. Foiled! I thought. This is the end, this is the end of Jeff. Suddenly like a lightning man made of lightning particles Alec pulled down his pants and whipped it out. I'm still not sure if this was indeed some cunning defense mechanism but it sure worked. Spraying indiscriminately he blinded the 8 biggest men in the world with his mighty urine. Alec then stumbled over looking at their agenda on the table which read "Not World Peace". "You fuckers," Alec stated with an action man assurance, "cross that word out".
At his request George Bush crossed out "Peace" and we all had flapjacks and honey!
-----
Join me next time for Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 5 featuring a special guest and a special setting!
*I, Jeff Goldblum in no way endorse this awful play on words.
