Ahoy! I'm afraid to inform you that Jeff Goldblum could not be here today. He is currently choking down an a big slice of humble pie. Burt is back and badder than ever.So there will be a slightly different version of "Jeff's Travels Around the World" this time around, with the big B- Burt Reynolds laying his manky chops down for all to see.
So where have I been? Well, Burt Reynolds, unlike this chumpski actually has a life. I've been writing my column for Women Monthly about Water Retention.
It's a subject I know all too well, my friends.
Other than receiving 20 letters a month from all of my appreciative fans, I have been surfing down the English Channel with my body board and my dog Skip.
So I guess this is going to be "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 5" or "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 1", depending on your perspective.
So crank out that Isaac Hayes soundtrack, get that old shag carpet from the closet and pour yourself a mulled wine and prepare for an account of:
-------------------"I Don't Burt Anymore"---------------------
Picking myself up from a vicious shot to the temple, I slapped myself to gain my bearing.
I could smell the blood stuck in my facial hair and it smelled bad. Just like Goldblum.
That oily deviant had left such a bad taste in my mouth from that time we were accosted by Romanian prostitutes on the South side. A back-talker and the proud owner of my finest nudey deck. Damn you Strip Poker. He came at me like a shark with a immediate intent on aquatic injury. I went to the ground with him and slapped him on his hairless chest. "You fairy," I growled. He was about ready to bawl to momma so I shot him one round the chops.
"You just consider giving me my due, you dirty sonofabitch!"
He attempted to roll me over to regain a dominant position but there was no hope for him.
I grizzly-ed his ass up.
That was the last time that I ever took a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Damnit, they just don't have the training.
