LOVE IS IN BLUM

Why Steve Zahn is a Berk Pt 1

2008-06-12T08:52:00.000-07:00

Steve Zahn always brings a bottle of lukewarm milk to bed with him.
He urinates on my back when I'm sleeping (connected to #1)
He calls his wife "Chubby Chubby Facey McGibbons"
The name of his memoirs is "Birth of the Fool"
He has a day of the week called "Scat Day" where he speaks in scat
He eats three jars of beet-root a day.
When his wife tells him that it's that "time of the month", he automatically turns on the television for Cagney and Lace re-runs.
He drives a Porsche Mini-van
He smells of fine root vegetables.
He eats burritos in the bath.

Steve Zahn= the Cad for the new Millenium

2008-05-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Well children, I didn't think I would be returning to my Blog for a time due to work issues but hell circumstances dictate actions. As you may or may not know, I have been in a bitter feud with movie B-Lister Steve "I'm sorry love" Zahn for most of today.
Steve has chosen to call out yours truly with an attack on my character at his classless blog here.
So I thought that I would tell a story to all of you fine people that gives you a good idea of the true Steve Zahn.

-----

A few years back when Steve was filming Dr. Dolittle 2, the film for people with no brains and no class, I Jeff Goldblum was filming the sublimely judged "Cats and Dogs"-- oh boy, what a romp we did have on that one. When I was approached to play the caring, yet distracted scientist father of the lead boy, I decided to bring something wholly original to the screen.
I decided to play it as a man who had been having an affair on his wife with Jon Lovitz. Although Lovitz was never mentioned in the film, his voice was used for one of the cats, so it became this really abstract tome on the nature of hidden secrets in a marriage. All that tomfoolery with the animals was just a red herring. Anyway....

Steve Zahn was filming Dr. Dolittle, he did a voice, I think (*scoff* can't you get any REAL acting work, Steve?) and his wife were eating at one of those fancy restaurants. I happened to be dining with raconteur and genius Tom Waits at an adjacent table. When Steve ordered something that wasn't on the menu, the waiter spat on him. He was then escorted from the premises. I carried on eating my special Blumboy Omlette Extradordinare #2 and talked to Tom about the reasons why the Eagles produced a superior recording of 'Ol 55 on their spellbinding masterpiece On the Border. Tom took my critique with good humour and stated that Don Henley was his favourite singer.

When we had finished we walked down the street scatting to ourselves. "BOOM BOP-SCOOBIDOOWOP! " We were on FIRE. Then I saw Steve Zahn getting a blow job from McG, obviously hoping that he would take pity on the lackluster abilities of Zahn and give him a part in his new movie. I laughed to myself when I saw the semi-flacid member, flopping here and there, unable to do the duty of any man receiving oral pleasures.

Then he started crying as he performed a scene from Macbeth to try and convince McG further.
He got all the lines wrong and he put emphasis on strange words but man, if it wasn't the best performance of Shakespeare that I have ever seen.........

then I am a man who has gained world wide acclaim for my acting ability who has appeared in three of the highest grossing movies of all time.

Toodles!

Jeff

The Score Magazine

2008-05-13T17:21:00.000-07:00

Hello there! Yours truly is now writing a weekly column for the Score Magazine. Check me out at
http://www.the-scoremagazine.com/archives/58

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 5

2008-04-22T11:51:00.000-07:00

Ahoy! I'm afraid to inform you that Jeff Goldblum could not be here today. He is currently choking down an a big slice of humble pie. Burt is back and badder than ever.
So there will be a slightly different version of "Jeff's Travels Around the World" this time around, with the big B- Burt Reynolds laying his manky chops down for all to see.

So where have I been? Well, Burt Reynolds, unlike this chumpski actually has a life. I've been writing my column for Women Monthly about Water Retention.
It's a subject I know all too well, my friends.
Other than receiving 20 letters a month from all of my appreciative fans, I have been surfing down the English Channel with my body board and my dog Skip.
So I guess this is going to be "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 5" or "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 1", depending on your perspective.

So crank out that Isaac Hayes soundtrack, get that old shag carpet from the closet and pour yourself a mulled wine and prepare for an account of:

-------------------"I Don't Burt Anymore"---------------------

Picking myself up from a vicious shot to the temple, I slapped myself to gain my bearing.
I could smell the blood stuck in my facial hair and it smelled bad. Just like Goldblum.
That oily deviant had left such a bad taste in my mouth from that time we were accosted by Romanian prostitutes on the South side. A back-talker and the proud owner of my finest nudey deck. Damn you Strip Poker. He came at me like a shark with a immediate intent on aquatic injury. I went to the ground with him and slapped him on his hairless chest. "You fairy," I growled. He was about ready to bawl to momma so I shot him one round the chops.
"You just consider giving me my due, you dirty sonofabitch!"
He attempted to roll me over to regain a dominant position but there was no hope for him.
I grizzly-ed his ass up.

That was the last time that I ever took a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Damnit, they just don't have the training.

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 4

2008-04-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

I am back again, this time with Part 4 of Jeff's Travels Around the World. Before we get down to business, I must inform you that I have recently received word from Mr. Alec Baldwin.
His letter follows--

---
Dearest Jeffy,

I am writing to tell you that I miss you greatly.
I haven't been able to get along without your gentle kisses and advice in the boudoir. I particular miss your play-by-plays of my few successful encounters with what some dub "the orgasm".

I'm here now, in my ex-wife's tool-shed (please, no jokes) weeping into my bran muffin. Oh Jeffy, when did it all go wrong buddy? We used to be so tight, like too fearsome jungle tigers going on the hunt.
I guess, it's just one of those things eh?

I do want to return some day and maybe we can again, scout for ass down by the marina.

Love ya man, love ya every day.

Your pal in exile,
Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin

-------

Well, Alec, if you want to come back you know what you have to do.
Apologise and come and see my play with Kevin Spacey. You'd love him, he likes to frequent the marina too.....

Kisses!
-------

Anyway.... in Part 3 we discovered why they call the pyramids "full of treasure mounds". In this part, we will talk about Alec's one shining moment of heroism.
This is the tale of Alec's Sexual Intimidation of the Leaders of the World in something Alec liked to call,

------
"Dinners at 12, don't be G-8" *
-----
This took place at the last G-8 meeting of all those crazy world leaders when me and Alec crashed Blumboy#1 on the outskirts of Heiligendamm, Germany. Unfortunately I had fallen asleep and Alec had taken the controls in my absence. "Alec, you blasted CAD! What have you done?" He didn't respond, simply rocking back and forth with his buddy Jack Daniels.
"You damn fool, didn't you know that the 2007 G-8 Summit Meeting is taking place in this very town, this fair morn?" Again, no answer. I decided to take the initiative, something I do very well. Packing up some light mid-day snacks and plenty of cocktail material for Alec to concoct should be meet any beautifully large German maidens, we made our way off of Blumboy#1 and into the nondescript settings of this German... place. It's one thing that always amazes me about Alec, no matter his blood alcohol level, he can still make the most complex and impressive cocktails, it actually seems to aid him in his pursuit for the "New Sound".

We eventually stumbled across some small houses, filled with simple folk. Or so we thought!
We had in fact stumbled across the G-8 Summit! All of those crazy world leaders were there.
George Bush, um... Tony Blair... possibly... that French guy. You get the idea.
They looked surprised that we had found their secret hiding place and drew their blades.
I immediately jumped into action, striking George "Monkey Boy" Bush in the throat with my steel-like fingers. Blair was too quick for me however, going straight for the crotch area.
Winded and on the floor, I tried to formulate a plan. Alec had passed out drunk in the corner.
They weren't even paying attention to him. Foiled! I thought. This is the end, this is the end of Jeff. Suddenly like a lightning man made of lightning particles Alec pulled down his pants and whipped it out. I'm still not sure if this was indeed some cunning defense mechanism but it sure worked. Spraying indiscriminately he blinded the 8 biggest men in the world with his mighty urine. Alec then stumbled over looking at their agenda on the table which read "Not World Peace". "You fuckers," Alec stated with an action man assurance, "cross that word out".
At his request George Bush crossed out "Peace" and we all had flapjacks and honey!

-----

Join me next time for Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 5 featuring a special guest and a special setting!

*I, Jeff Goldblum in no way endorse this awful play on words.

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 3

2008-04-05T04:45:00.000-07:00

Hey! Jeff Goldblum here with yet another stunning entry (easy!) in my catalogue of savoury delights in "Jeff's Travels Around the World (featuring that ass Alec Baldwin)".
In our last installment me and that boor Alec Baldwin solved the problems in Tibet.
Today I am going to recount our adventures exploring the mysterious and secret filled pyramids of Egypt in a segment I like to call

----
"I sphinx I'm in Africa-- where's the famine?"

----

We approached the southern pyramids from the eh... south and soon met some enchanting locals. They wore bags on their heads like some ridiculous Whole Foods marketing ploy.
"Hey there," I introduced myself. "Do ya know where two rollicking and rolling bachelors could find some rest?" They responded by gesturing towards the mighty Pyramids of Egypt!
In their primitive way they managed to direct us with some degree of certainty. Amazing, isn't it? Even with their less educated ways, they were still able to function with at least 50% of the perception of a normal educated man. Using our Duracell© brand torch, we wandered into the hideous structure of the olden days. Alec quickly became a quivering mess, urinating many times on his own suede shoes. Being a born explorer, I threw him on my strong man back and hauled that son of a gun down the deep tunnels leading down, down, down into the depths of the mysterious Pyramids of Egypt!

Down the way, there were evil vibrations emanating from most corners of the room.
A coffin (or as the simps call it, a sarcophagus) was in the middle of the room.
Remembering the incredible detail featured in the Balin's Tomb scene in my extended edition of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, I knew not to drop anything down a well, should I encounter one. Luckily for me, there was a serious lack of wells so I proceeded to open up that creepy coffin and have a gander inside. "Jesus wept!" cried Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin who was still on my back. There was the greatest load of treasure you have ever seen in your mortal life.
At least a hundred.

Filling up our sack (easy!) with shiny jewels, we proceeded to climb out of that dank hole and wandered back to Blumboy#1 which we had landed on a small shit-bucket called Cairo.
Getting on board we were heroes to the people and kings to the (obviously fake!) gods of Egypt.
I then blessed myself three times with the oil of Jesus and strapped myself in.

----

Join me next time for part 4 when we go to the G8 summit to lay the smack-down on those political snakes!

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 2

2008-04-03T05:13:00.000-07:00

Hey there! Jeff Goldblum back like a jive-talking monkey President towering over his opposition with omnipotent virility and casual suggestion. I am of course here to detail Part 2 in my recent travels around this beautiful globe of ours. Yesterday we discovered that

Alec Baldwin is a CAD.
He still can't make love to an adequate, human standard.
He weeps regularly with geriatric sit-coms in the background.
Jeff Goldblum is still a sensual dynamo.

Today I will detail what happened when we took Blumboy #1 over to China in an effort to ease tension on the hot-potato of what I like to call,

-------
"You've got the brain of a four-year old boy
and I TI-BET he was glad to get rid of it."

------Our mission was clear: to have a rocking good time while trying to resolve all of the problems that all these silly monks have. Me and Alec decided on a three point-plan, true Alec showed no ability for intelligible content, he did make the most stunning cocktails.
Sipping on a Bloody Mary and listening to Alec's second rendition of "Scat-man", I wrote them down in my beautiful scrawl. They went as follows--

Find a monk.
Make the monk watch a 10 minute overview of my career.
Repeat.

It took us several hours to actually locate a monk. There were many false alarms (and kidnappings) involving women. These were easily placated by Visions of Jeff.
When we did eventually find a monk, it went pretty smoothly.
The language barrier wasn't a problem as we spoke the Universal Language of Love.
After several viewings of my collected career he spoke these simple words in broken English-- no doubt picked up by my spellbinding diction-- "I want thank Jeff Goldblum for being awesome and curing my angry feelings of non-peace".

His name was Jim and he went on to invent the peace that all those crazy Tibetan people enjoy.

Me and Alec packed up our things, got on Blumboy#1 and went on to our next location.

Join me next time as we examine the mystic pyramids of Egypt!

Jeff's Travels Around the World # 1

2008-04-02T01:08:00.000-07:00

Much apologies for the long delay. I have been very busy lately with all of these strange European people.
----

I do, unfortunately have some very sad news regarding Alec. He has left the Compound for good in my absence.
Leaving me a note on my pillow (that was delivered via courier boy), he expressed his immense gratitude for what I managed to do in his pathetic little life. He pointed out that until I met him he had trouble maintaining love making past 4 minutes and that his desire for firm buttocked Korean men has been at least somewhat reduced. I just have this to say to you Alec, you are a cad-- a straight-up CAD. You sir, are ill equipped for the sensual bounty that you will no doubt encounter. Sure, you can now keep an erection for more than a minute but you still don't know what to do with it. I pity you and your kind. You make me weep.
The difference is that when I cry, I sell my tears to nubile young men and women who use it to further their awakening into this romantic world of ours. When you cry, you stay up all night eating imitation beef jerky and hitting raccoons with your air rifle.

------
We took the private plane over to Greece where we engaged in some hand to hand jousting with an eye on attracting the young femmes that populated the beaches. They love the sound of slapping flesh, in my experience. Later we barbecued up some prime rib and squandered time with beers and ladies. I bested Alec in all aspects of conversation as usual.
One woman asked him if he enjoyed cunnilingus and Alec replied that he was "allergic to shellfish". Oh Alec. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, I guess. You can't pleasure yourself in the bedroom so I guess thinking about another human being would be out of the question.

Several hours later I took many women and men back to the plane (which I had landed right on the beach) where we played some adult orientated board games. Here's a little tip for all those romantic folks out there-- let them win the board game. Gold watches come and go but memories of being able to name 10 sexually transmitted diseases under the clock is something that won't leave you quickly.

In the bed I was as agile as ever but I am a gentleman first and foremost so I won't divulge the details. "I got money in the bank whatchya think about that?"

----------
In the morning, I discovered that Alec had spent another night watching Golden Girls re-runs and indulging in Kettle Chips. His hands were salty to the touch and his breath smelled like smoked salmon. Oh Alec, Alec, Alec. Again, you have disappointed me.

-------

Part #2 will follow soon!

Jeff's Travels 'round the World Preamble

2008-01-10T03:17:00.000-08:00

Hello children!
It's been a loooooooooooooooooooooooooong time!
I'm SO sorry to leave you all in the lurch and swan off like I did, but Alec and I had some beef to settle-- Old School. And the only way ya do that is get in your private jets and fly to a pre-determined area in the pacific ocean on a small, small seafaring vessel and duke it out like gentlemen. Well we did and I won (as per fucking) and what followed was a couple of months of visiting all those places in the world. What will follow is a 6 part report on our happenings!

Ciao!
Talk soon.

Oh and here's me naked on a beach!

ALEC- RE: MEMO

2007-09-20T14:26:00.000-07:00

Memo

To: Jeff Goldblum
From: Alec Baldwin
CC: Burt Reynolds
Date: 19/8/07
Re: Love Is In Blum

I have just received confirmation that our summer villa has been overbooked for the month of August. We have decided to opt for the simpler option of a camper van and a bottle of gin.

-----
BLUMINGTON INDUSTRIES

19 September 2007

Alec Baldwin
Alec’s Grotto
Savana Dr.
Florida

Dear Sir:

I recently received your succinct memo via Blum Post. Frankly without the villa I have little interest in mopping up your sweat and demanding age identification from innocents when you are incapable of conscious thought. You need to make sure and call ahead for next year so that we reclaim the right of deviancy on the coast.

Your ex-wife recently dropped by to pick up alimony and unpaid child support payments. Please make sure to sort it out by next Monday as I do not wish to have another Blum Festival interrupted by over-anxious femmes.

The operation continues to be a success, no thanks to you. Seriously Alec, if you feel that you can’t make it to the bathroom, let me know. Our shares are soaring since the inclusion of signed head-shots of yours truly in the monthly newsletters. Jerry from Clontarf had this to say about the stylish and handsome photo that adorns his office wall:

“Seeing Jeff Goldblum’s shining face every time I look up from my work brings a smile that not even death could remove. Thank you Jeff Goldblum, you changed my life.”

Please consider investing some of that recent gambling windfall in the future of Blumington.
I have to go now, my people need me.

Yours sincerely,

Jeff Goldblum
C.E.O. of Blumington Industries

LOVE IS IN BLUM SINCE 1958©

Tales From the Fringe

2007-08-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

Hello children! Long time no hear- I'm sure you've missed me. I have been abroad in the Chicago. It was a lovely little misadventure that I'm sure was good for all those crazy lovely ladies that I visited along the way. To keep you all up to date Alec has been sent to solitary to think about what he did. Now Alec I know you have a computer in there so I'll make this brief- You need to straighten up and fly right buddy boy. There was no call for what you did to that woman, 'k? Seriously dude, it was totally uncool. I know you did it to make a point, that is, that you were so shamefully depressed at my absence and needed to lash out at my sexual practices, but man alive that was over the top. After I cleaned up the mess though, I did think it was funny.
Just a little bit...

Anyway I have some incredible tales for you. So sit back, unload your belt buckled pants and release That Lovin' Feelin' on your nearest and dearest and prepare for sensual taxin' Blumboy style.

I was staying in the Four Points Hotel near Michigan Ave. just a bit the ways up Angelina Jolie was sleeping in a different hotel- read: more expensive and stuffy. When I walked along the street checking out the femme fetales-a-plenty I spied miss Jolie walking about looking scorching hot. I could tell she was begging for some tough love so I yelled out to her-

"Hello Angelina! Hello! Angelina? Angelina?? Angelina?? Angelina?? It's me, Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum! JEFF GOLDBLUM! Angelina?? Hello??"

She eventually turned around and gave me a wave, translated from femme language I could tell what she was saying- "I want you Goldblum." Who am I to argue with the lady?
I went down to the Pharmacy where they had many different condoms.

I picked the one with the best package and I moved on. I went back to the Four Points and I got out their complementary oil and got my favourite lathering tool and went to work- women like it when you're oily. So I walked over there but they said she had gone out to Borders {the book shop, not the brothel.} Sure enough when I walked over there, I saw her.

The woman had too much class for a random Blum-spray attack so I thought I'd take the subtle approach. I ducked into a bush {no, not like that} and applied several layers of classy make-up.
I then affixed a corsage and went out there firing one-liners.
Here is a collection of them, as transcribed from police report--

"Hey how are ya? Where ya from?
I'll come at ya like a diagonal mink trap catcher.
Oily and tasteful like a tree.
Beautiful and green, swaying in the wind baby like a Bovril Hula Hoop.
Something tells me that you'd like a maverick- check the gloves- pure leather.
Take a whip to me, I won't swear- see I'm good for the kid.
You might want to cover his ears when I take a slicing glare to your doubly massive chest however as the ladies always give in to KING LUST when I take out Little Jeffy Blum-boy.
You can be the Jeffica Blumingstein to my Blum-boy.

I've got a compendium of apples, they're green like my abilities- mmm green and fragrant. "

She then screamed and ran away. I was wondering what had happened when I got jumped from behind. Two days later I'm let out and I come running back to you.

Alec! Oh Alec Baby!

2007-07-24T06:47:00.000-07:00

Just arrived in my email- FROM ALEC
---

This here is the hole where I will be playing
It coudln't get any numb-er, please don't get the phone
That's my ex-wife so let it ring a long, long, long, long time
If I dont pick up, she'll hang up, call back, so let it ring some more
If I can't get it up, get it up. The insidewinder needs, needs, some more oil.

(chorus)
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up

There are scratches all around the love slot
Like an oily Alec, baby, trying to wake up,
But my machine can only swallow
You cant lay your juice on my patch, no matter how sublime
The safety word's "melon" so chew on this lime

I'll tell you,
Tell you, you can lick my ass, then laugh and say that you were only kidding
That way I'll know that its really, really, really, really you, you

Baby, hetero filth doesnt really grab me
Today I need something more sub-sub-sub-substantial
A pair of jeans or the blackeyed peas, some sex in cafes would be nice,
An iron bar, a fading star, or a reaming from doctor seuss

The cat in the hat came on my back, wrecked a lot of havoc on the way down,
Always had a smile and a reason to pretend
But my brain has flat backgrounds and little need to sleep but to dream
I got you on your back

Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
I can always freak standing up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
I can always freak standing up, call me when you try to wake it up
Call me when you try to wake it up, call me when you try to wake it up
I can always freak standing up, call me when you try to wake it up
I can always freak standing up, call me when you try to wake it up

Weve got to boogie, boogie, move on this one

Jeff Goldblum's Top Ten Sexy Needs

2007-07-20T12:41:00.001-07:00

Hello all. Today I thought I would address some of the rumours surrounding the nature of whatsherface's lovechild from that awful show the Good Life or the Real Life or whatever the hell it's called. First of all The Blum don't make promises to no dame, no matter how crunchy. That should be clear. I cannot control the sensual demands of this earthly body and as a result can sometimes black out during sexual encounters. This may be the reason why I may or may not have fathered some children in the past. It is not very clear either way. Ms. Richie knew this going into this relationship and has sent me a lovely e-card to tie up loose ends---

--Hello my love,
I am quite pregnant. I do not hold you accountable because you are the Blum and I was just lucky to get a hold of your delicious man juices and I know that your semen is too smart to keep its home in my wasted woman's area as it has much better things to do.

PS. I knew you faked it, but thanks anyway. My ego needed it as I am shallow and needed the boost.

Cheers,
N.

----

Do you see children? This was a perfect relationship. Ms. Richie understood the needs and demands of the Blum perfectly.
For all those sensual dames out there who want to get in the Blum's goodbook, I have compiled my Top Ten Sexy Needs. They are as follows-

10--Doing amusing tricks with your buttocks is always an acceptable way of breaking the ice. Opening bottles of beer? Yes please! Alec Baldwin was really good at this and I really miss him....

9--Adopting physical traits of other races is a big turn on. Do it.

8--Sometimes my member gets tired, give it a soothing bath in my special
mini-Blumtub and don't be stingy on the camomile!

7--Only ever wear the Billy Baldwin mask if my heart fails from repeated anal probes into Blumville USA.

6--Connected to 7. Blum feels that anal pleasure has been unkindly centred on the female of the species when dealing with heterosexual relationships, a tasteful strap-on does the job with class and ability. Don't be afraid!

5--Sometimes I like to scat {NO! NOT LIKE THAT!!} when I'm making love. Nothing frees me up like a goodbeebopbombedoobiscadababeedobeebop! Again feel free to join in.

4--I expect a clean upstairs as much as I expect a clean downstairs. Always wash your brain out with great literature as my love making sometimes requires a steady mind to fully appreciate the intellectually omnipotent crotch-bound statements that I am want to make.

3--Sometimes I will involve animals in our lovemaking. Please be rest assured that this is only as an observing role and one that I made in a plea bargain with the King of the Animals {the Lion} in an effort to jump start his marraige. Oh and never look them straight in the eye, they hate that.

2--I expect severe commitment, unless I state otherwise.

1--Look exactly like this-)

A Message to All Of You

2007-07-12T16:52:00.000-07:00

ALEC BALDWIN GAVE ME CRABS!!!

2007-07-03T12:57:00.000-07:00

It's true friends. More fallout over the Shop incident {which was my fault cause I bedded all those people over there and they squabbled and squabbled, by the way Andy do you have my Pink Grapefruit® Lubricant?? I can't find it and without it I am unable to be fucked right in the ass.... only joking!! I'm hilarious!}

Alec Baldwin {49} is a dirty man who gave your pal, Jeff Goldblum, the crabs.
Now I'm not mad Alec but ya got to at LEAST let me wash my crotch in the sink without those rude interruptions, I mean come on! I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS YOUR EX-WIFE!!!
As the Burgendy commented on, she liked the goods!
I'm not a commodity Alec. I need human emotions too.

Sure ya gave me crabs but I can forgive you that. What I CAN'T forgive is you defiling my favourite song of all time, which is the FANTASTIC Disney Girls by the Beach Boys' Bruce Johnston.
I found these lyrics on my pillow when I woke up. Now I DON'T Know what the hell they mean but fuck me are they ever RUDE! They really upset me Alec, call me buddy. We'll talk it out.

Clearing skies and drying eyes
Now I see your pink little asshole
Darkness goes and softness shows
A changing style of ass

Just in time words that seduce {sexually speaking}
Well bless your ass
Now I'll fill your hands
With kisses and a Tootsie Roll

Oh contraception, it's not for me
And it makes me laugh
Oh, fantasy world and Disney girls
I'm coming on your back

Alec and Burt and summer days
On old Cape Cod {cheeky!}
Happy times making spunk
In my garage
Country laid and lemonade
Guess I can't get it up
It's a turned back world
With a local girl
And a paper cup

Open bars and whores in cars
That's what I've lacked
But fantasy world and Disney girls
I'm coming on your back

Love...Hi Ian and Andy
Hi Pop...Well good morning mom
Love...get up guess what
I'm in love with a squirrel I found
It's really swell
Cause it likes
Whoring around, general sexual oddities and old time dances

All my life I spent the night
With dreams of you
And the warmth I missed
And for the things I wished
They're all coming true

I've got my love to give
And a place to live
Guess I'm gonna stay
It'd be a peaceful life
With a forever wife
And a kid someday

Well, it's early nights
And pillow fights
And your soft laugh
Fantasy world and Disney girls
I'm coming on your back

----

You're a dirty man you fiend. I also didn't publish those filthy pictures you drew.

Jeff Goldblum T-Shirt Slogans

2007-06-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

Here are some fantastic slogans that I thought up when I was washing my back in the bath.

-I Love Jeff Goldblum-
-Jeff Makes My Love Garden Blum-
-True Winners Go For Gold-
-If Jeff's Too Hot For You, Get Out of the Kitchen!

-Something Smells Good.... and I think It's Jeff Goldblum!
-Love Is In Blum{naturally}-
-

        The kind of control you're attempting is not
possible.  If there's one thing the history of evolution
has taught us, it's that Jeff will not be contained.
Jeff breaks free.  Jeff expands to new territories.
Jeff crashes through barriers.  Painfully, maybe even..
dangerously, but and...well, there it is. -

-

God creates dinosaurs.  God destroys dinosaurs.
         God creates Jeff. 
      Jeff destroys God. Jeff is God.
      Jeff creates Man. Jeff destroys Man.
      Jeff creates dinosaurs.

Jeff Goldblum On Jeff Goldblum

2007-06-28T16:38:00.000-07:00

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

* "Jeff is more important than knowledge."
* "Jeff is not responsible for people falling in love."
* "I want to know Jeff's thoughts; the rest are details."
* "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the Jeff."
* "Jeff is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."
* "The only real valuable thing is Jeff."
* "A person starts to live when he can live outside Jeff."
* "I am convinced that He (Jeff) does not play dice."
* Jeff is subtle but he is not malicious."
* "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."
* "I never think of the future. Jeff comes soon enough."
* "The eternal mystery of Jeff is its comprehensibility."
* "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for Jeff."
* "Science without Jeff is lame. Religion without Jeff is blind."
* "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried Jeff."
* "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from Jeff."
* "Jeff should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."
* "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by Jeff."
* "Jeff is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."
* "The secret to Jeff is knowing how to hide your sources."
* "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my Jeff."
* Jeff does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."
* "The whole of Jeff is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."
* "Jeff is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."
* "Jeff cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by Jeff."
* "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is Jeff."
* "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of Jeff we used when we created them."
* "Jeff is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."
* "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Jeff has its own reason for existing."
* "Do not worry about your difficulties in Jeff. I can assure you mine are still greater."
* "Jeffs are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but a Jeff is something for eternity."
* "If Jeff is a success in life, then Jeff equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."
* "Two things are infinite: the universe and Jeff; and I'm not sure about the universe."
* "As far as the laws of Jeff refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."
* "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the Jeff."
* "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with Jeff."
* "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be Jeff."
* "The fear of Jeff is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead."
* "Too many of us look upon Jeff as a dollar chaser. This is a cruel libel, even if it is reiterated thoughtlessly by the Americans themselves."
* "Jeff on command, senseless violence, and all the loathsome nonsense that goes by the name of patriotism -- how passionately I hate them!"
* "No, this Jeff won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as Jeff?"
* "My Jeff consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."
* "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. Jeff stands forever."
* "The release of Jeff power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of Jeff. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."
* "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from Jeff. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."
* "The most beautiful thing we can experience is Jeff. He is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."
* "A man's ethical behavior should be based effectually on sympathy, Jeff, and social ties; no religious basis is necessary. Man would indeeded be in a poor way if he had to be restrained by fear of punishment and hope of Jeff after death."
* "The further the spiritual evolution of mankind advances, the more certain it seems to me that the path to genuine religiosity does not lie through the fear of life, and the fear of death, and blind faith, but through striving after rational Jeff."
* "Now Jeff has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, future and Jeff is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."
* "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And Jeff operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."
* "One had to cram all this stuff into Jeff's mind for the examinations, whether one liked it or not. This coercion had such a deterring effect on me that, after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year."
* "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday Jeff with his painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."
* "He who joyfully marches to music rank and Jeff, has already earned my contempt. Jeff has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would surely suffice. This disgrace to civilization should be done away with at once. Heroism at command, how violently I hate all this, how despicable and ignoble Jeff is; I would rather be torn to shreds than be a part of so base an action. It is my conviction that killing under the cloak of Jeff is nothing but an act of murder."
* "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _JEFF_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this Jeff by widening our circle of Jeff to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature of Jeff."
* "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted JEFF."

Burt Reynolds is GAY

2007-06-27T13:37:00.001-07:00

You heard it first here friends! Let's bring you up to speed.
A few weeks back me and me, Jeff Goldblum, my friend Alec Baldwin and actor/spiritual guru Charlie Sheen took up residence on a sassy little board called the Smile Shop.
I was ADORED by the population there and we traded in sexy Jeff Goldblum pictures.
Everything was good. An old rival showed up a few weeks into this fun however.
This man was known to me as BURT REYNOLDS.
Burt had always had a thing for me and I had tried time and again to make it clear to him that he just wasn't my type. He had a very small penis and reeked of gin. Now some say Burt was a classy guy and I'll be honest and say that I was taken in for a while too. I appreciated his vernacular and saucy black and white porno. In fact the black and white porno was enough for me to love him forever. However as time went on and Alec faced some trials and tribulations with alcohol and young Japanese prostitutes dressed liked Cat in the Hat, Burt Reynolds started to show hallmark signs of being a bit GAY. Now me, Jeff Goldblum loves all his children.
I don't care if you're gay, bi or just a sensual Japanese porno actress named Sora Aoi, I want to make it with all of you, trust me. It's just Burt kept getting close and when I would give him some sugar he'd punch my balls and call me a dirty trouser snake lookin' for brown goods.
Then he'd spit on me and say that in his day he would have castrated a man for being GAY.
This was not only insulting to me and my intelligence, it was frankly homophobic and biggoted.

This is the last communication from Burt from about three weeks ago from an IM conversation:

Burt: Hello Jeff.
Jeff: Hell Burt, how are you?
Burt: I need it in me Jeff.
Jeff: What???
Burt: Um..... I need the goodness of the Lord Jeff.
Jeff: Burt, I told you before, just call me Jeff.
Burt: No! You sick faggot! I need the goodness of the Lord!
Jeff: Hey! Hey, calm down there buddy or I'll pull something trigger happy on ya and it won't be my finely toned butt cheeks.
Burt: Why ya gotta be like this Jeff?? Why ya gotta be like this??
Jeff: You need to admit to yourself Burt, that you are Gay. It's not an issue to me as I am omni-sexual and exist to pleasure all of my children {over the age of 18}. You have got to admit it for your own good.

Burt: I'm a man Jeff and I will bust you up if you say this again...... I need nothin' but the burly hair of the Lord lying on my chest, nothing but the manly juices of the good Lord, nothin' but the gay hotpants of the Lord. That's all the gayness I need Jeff! Cause I'm NOT GAY!! I'm gonna show em all Jeff! I'm gonna show em all!
Jeff: Burt are you ok?
Jeff: Burt??

{Last message received at 23:34}

----

Burt if you're out there Buddy, I love ya. Call me. I hope you're ok.

A journey to Cosplay

2007-06-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Recently I, Jeff Goldblum traveled to a Cosplay festival in the land of the Rising Jeff, Japan.
I'm a cultural guy, so I made sure to acquire lubrication that would not scare or terrify the sexy Japanese women that I was sure to bed. I also made sure to have a fine selection of
Gummi Condoms.
They sure tasted good but they didn't reach over my Jeff Love, although quite frankly I've come to expect that. My journey to Cosplay was in part a journey to find Sora Aoi, who seems to have made sure that the Dry Cleaners did not give out her home number, in fact they out and out denied that she ever worked there. I thought my Cosplay gals and girls could assist me in locating the attractive star of cinematic temptation {no not my films friends!}

My first Cosplay friend was this young female-
She didn't talk at first but I laid on the charm and she eventually told me her name was Jeff Goldblum Fan #1! Well strike me down! I couldn't believe my luck! After bedding this young femme, I made my move. I asked her if she knew where Sora Aoi lived. She said somewhere in Japan. Success! But I wasn't satisfied, I got the feeling she knew more than she was letting on.
So I kept up the pressure....

She directed me to one of Sora Aoi's movies-
Barely Mosaiced - Very Limited Mosaic and Thorough Sex (Release date: 2005/09/19^?)

Somewhere in here lay the clue I needed.....

HELLO FRIENDS!

2007-06-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm a wheeler and I dealer! I kid! I kid! I'm just the hottest piece of acting prime estate this side of sensual delight! Welcome to my world children, I'm Jeff Goldblum.

--There has been a disturbing number of fake "Superman" related characters popping up on various websites. These are not funny. What the hell do you think you are people??
Not funny. Get an imagination. Get a sense of humour. I suppose it's ironic or something.

--I have recently acquired a new lust for Japanese models. Being the sensual king that I am, I have gotten all their numbers. I rang Sora Aoi's digits but I got through to a dry-cleaners.
So the question is, when did Sora Aoi move to work in a dry cleaners? It's a mystery friends!

=?