Why Steve Zahn is a Berk Pt 1

1. Steve Zahn always brings a bottle of lukewarm milk to bed with him.
   
2. He urinates on my back when I'm sleeping (connected to #1)
   
3. He calls his wife "Chubby Chubby Facey McGibbons"
   
4. The name of his memoirs is "Birth of the Fool"
   
5. He has a day of the week called "Scat Day" where he speaks in scat
6. He eats three jars of beet-root a day.
   
7. When his wife tells him that it's that "time of the month", he automatically turns on the television for Cagney and Lace re-runs.
   
8. He drives a Porsche Mini-van
   
9. He smells of fine root vegetables.
   
10. He eats burritos in the bath.
    

Steve Zahn= the Cad for the new Millenium

Well children, I didn't think I would be returning to my Blog for a time due to work issues but hell circumstances dictate actions. As you may or may not know, I have been in a bitter feud with movie B-Lister Steve "I'm sorry love" Zahn for most of today.
Steve has chosen to call out yours truly with an attack on my character at his classless blog here.
So I thought that I would tell a story to all of you fine people that gives you a good idea of the true Steve Zahn.

-----

A few years back when Steve was filming Dr. Dolittle 2, the film for people with no brains and no class, I Jeff Goldblum was filming the sublimely judged "Cats and Dogs"-- oh boy, what a romp we did have on that one. When I was approached to play the caring, yet distracted scientist father of the lead boy, I decided to bring something wholly original to the screen.
I decided to play it as a man who had been having an affair on his wife with Jon Lovitz. Although Lovitz was never mentioned in the film, his voice was used for one of the cats, so it became this really abstract tome on the nature of hidden secrets in a marriage. All that tomfoolery with the animals was just a red herring. Anyway....

Steve Zahn was filming Dr. Dolittle, he did a voice, I think (*scoff* can't you get any REAL acting work, Steve?) and his wife were eating at one of those fancy restaurants. I happened to be dining with raconteur and genius Tom Waits at an adjacent table. When Steve ordered something that wasn't on the menu, the waiter spat on him. He was then escorted from the premises. I carried on eating my special Blumboy Omlette Extradordinare #2 and talked to Tom about the reasons why the Eagles produced a superior recording of 'Ol 55 on their spellbinding masterpiece On the Border. Tom took my critique with good humour and stated that Don Henley was his favourite singer.

When we had finished we walked down the street scatting to ourselves. "BOOM BOP-SCOOBIDOOWOP! " We were on FIRE. Then I saw Steve Zahn getting a blow job from McG, obviously hoping that he would take pity on the lackluster abilities of Zahn and give him a part in his new movie. I laughed to myself when I saw the semi-flacid member, flopping here and there, unable to do the duty of any man receiving oral pleasures.

Then he started crying as he performed a scene from Macbeth to try and convince McG further.
He got all the lines wrong and he put emphasis on strange words but man, if it wasn't the best performance of Shakespeare that I have ever seen.........



then I am a man who has gained world wide acclaim for my acting ability who has appeared in three of the highest grossing movies of all time.


Toodles!


Jeff

The Score Magazine

Hello there! Yours truly is now writing a weekly column for the Score Magazine. Check me out at
http://www.the-scoremagazine.com/archives/58

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 5

Ahoy! I'm afraid to inform you that Jeff Goldblum could not be here today. He is currently choking down an a big slice of humble pie. Burt is back and badder than ever.
So there will be a slightly different version of "Jeff's Travels Around the World" this time around, with the big B- Burt Reynolds laying his manky chops down for all to see.

So where have I been? Well, Burt Reynolds, unlike this chumpski actually has a life. I've been writing my column for Women Monthly about Water Retention.
It's a subject I know all too well, my friends.
Other than receiving 20 letters a month from all of my appreciative fans, I have been surfing down the English Channel with my body board and my dog Skip.
So I guess this is going to be "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 5" or "Burt's Travels Around the World Part 1", depending on your perspective.

So crank out that Isaac Hayes soundtrack, get that old shag carpet from the closet and pour yourself a mulled wine and prepare for an account of:

-------------------"I Don't Burt Anymore"---------------------

Picking myself up from a vicious shot to the temple, I slapped myself to gain my bearing.
I could smell the blood stuck in my facial hair and it smelled bad. Just like Goldblum.
That oily deviant had left such a bad taste in my mouth from that time we were accosted by Romanian prostitutes on the South side. A back-talker and the proud owner of my finest nudey deck. Damn you Strip Poker. He came at me like a shark with a immediate intent on aquatic injury. I went to the ground with him and slapped him on his hairless chest. "You fairy," I growled. He was about ready to bawl to momma so I shot him one round the chops.
"You just consider giving me my due, you dirty sonofabitch!"
He attempted to roll me over to regain a dominant position but there was no hope for him.
I grizzly-ed his ass up.

That was the last time that I ever took a trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond.
Damnit, they just don't have the training.

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 4

I am back again, this time with Part 4 of Jeff's Travels Around the World. Before we get down to business, I must inform you that I have recently received word from Mr. Alec Baldwin.
His letter follows--

---
Dearest Jeffy,

I am writing to tell you that I miss you greatly.
I haven't been able to get along without your gentle kisses and advice in the boudoir. I particular miss your play-by-plays of my few successful encounters with what some dub "the orgasm".

I'm here now, in my ex-wife's tool-shed (please, no jokes) weeping into my bran muffin. Oh Jeffy, when did it all go wrong buddy? We used to be so tight, like too fearsome jungle tigers going on the hunt.
I guess, it's just one of those things eh?

I do want to return some day and maybe we can again, scout for ass down by the marina.


Love ya man, love ya every day.

Your pal in exile,
Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin

-------

Well, Alec, if you want to come back you know what you have to do.
Apologise and come and see my play with Kevin Spacey. You'd love him, he likes to frequent the marina too.....

Kisses!
-------

Anyway.... in Part 3 we discovered why they call the pyramids "full of treasure mounds". In this part, we will talk about Alec's one shining moment of heroism.
This is the tale of Alec's Sexual Intimidation of the Leaders of the World in something Alec liked to call,



------
"Dinners at 12, don't be G-8" *
-----
This took place at the last G-8 meeting of all those crazy world leaders when me and Alec crashed Blumboy#1 on the outskirts of Heiligendamm, Germany. Unfortunately I had fallen asleep and Alec had taken the controls in my absence. "Alec, you blasted CAD! What have you done?" He didn't respond, simply rocking back and forth with his buddy Jack Daniels.
"You damn fool, didn't you know that the 2007 G-8 Summit Meeting is taking place in this very town, this fair morn?" Again, no answer. I decided to take the initiative, something I do very well. Packing up some light mid-day snacks and plenty of cocktail material for Alec to concoct should be meet any beautifully large German maidens, we made our way off of Blumboy#1 and into the nondescript settings of this German... place. It's one thing that always amazes me about Alec, no matter his blood alcohol level, he can still make the most complex and impressive cocktails, it actually seems to aid him in his pursuit for the "New Sound".

We eventually stumbled across some small houses, filled with simple folk. Or so we thought!
We had in fact stumbled across the G-8 Summit! All of those crazy world leaders were there.
George Bush, um... Tony Blair... possibly... that French guy. You get the idea.
They looked surprised that we had found their secret hiding place and drew their blades.
I immediately jumped into action, striking George "Monkey Boy" Bush in the throat with my steel-like fingers. Blair was too quick for me however, going straight for the crotch area.
Winded and on the floor, I tried to formulate a plan. Alec had passed out drunk in the corner.
They weren't even paying attention to him. Foiled! I thought. This is the end, this is the end of Jeff. Suddenly like a lightning man made of lightning particles Alec pulled down his pants and whipped it out. I'm still not sure if this was indeed some cunning defense mechanism but it sure worked. Spraying indiscriminately he blinded the 8 biggest men in the world with his mighty urine. Alec then stumbled over looking at their agenda on the table which read "Not World Peace". "You fuckers," Alec stated with an action man assurance, "cross that word out".
At his request George Bush crossed out "Peace" and we all had flapjacks and honey!

-----

Join me next time for Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 5 featuring a special guest and a special setting!







*I, Jeff Goldblum in no way endorse this awful play on words.

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 3

Hey! Jeff Goldblum here with yet another stunning entry (easy!) in my catalogue of savoury delights in "Jeff's Travels Around the World (featuring that ass Alec Baldwin)".
In our last installment me and that boor Alec Baldwin solved the problems in Tibet.
Today I am going to recount our adventures exploring the mysterious and secret filled pyramids of Egypt in a segment I like to call

----
"I sphinx I'm in Africa-- where's the famine?"

----

We approached the southern pyramids from the eh... south and soon met some enchanting locals. They wore bags on their heads like some ridiculous Whole Foods marketing ploy.
"Hey there," I introduced myself. "Do ya know where two rollicking and rolling bachelors could find some rest?" They responded by gesturing towards the mighty Pyramids of Egypt!
In their primitive way they managed to direct us with some degree of certainty. Amazing, isn't it? Even with their less educated ways, they were still able to function with at least 50% of the perception of a normal educated man. Using our Duracell© brand torch, we wandered into the hideous structure of the olden days. Alec quickly became a quivering mess, urinating many times on his own suede shoes. Being a born explorer, I threw him on my strong man back and hauled that son of a gun down the deep tunnels leading down, down, down into the depths of the mysterious Pyramids of Egypt!

Down the way, there were evil vibrations emanating from most corners of the room.
A coffin (or as the simps call it, a sarcophagus) was in the middle of the room.
Remembering the incredible detail featured in the Balin's Tomb scene in my extended edition of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, I knew not to drop anything down a well, should I encounter one. Luckily for me, there was a serious lack of wells so I proceeded to open up that creepy coffin and have a gander inside. "Jesus wept!" cried Alec "Beer Belly" Baldwin who was still on my back. There was the greatest load of treasure you have ever seen in your mortal life.
At least a hundred.

Filling up our sack (easy!) with shiny jewels, we proceeded to climb out of that dank hole and wandered back to Blumboy#1 which we had landed on a small shit-bucket called Cairo.
Getting on board we were heroes to the people and kings to the (obviously fake!) gods of Egypt.
I then blessed myself three times with the oil of Jesus and strapped myself in.

----

Join me next time for part 4 when we go to the G8 summit to lay the smack-down on those political snakes!

Jeff's Travels Around the World Part 2

Hey there! Jeff Goldblum back like a jive-talking monkey President towering over his opposition with omnipotent virility and casual suggestion. I am of course here to detail Part 2 in my recent travels around this beautiful globe of ours. Yesterday we discovered that

• Alec Baldwin is a CAD.
• He still can't make love to an adequate, human standard.
  
• He weeps regularly with geriatric sit-coms in the background.
  
• Jeff Goldblum is still a sensual dynamo.

Today I will detail what happened when we took Blumboy #1 over to China in an effort to ease tension on the hot-potato of what I like to call,



-------
"You've got the brain of a four-year old boy
and I TI-BET he was glad to get rid of it."

------Our mission was clear: to have a rocking good time while trying to resolve all of the problems that all these silly monks have. Me and Alec decided on a three point-plan, true Alec showed no ability for intelligible content, he did make the most stunning cocktails.
Sipping on a Bloody Mary and listening to Alec's second rendition of "Scat-man", I wrote them down in my beautiful scrawl. They went as follows--

1. Find a monk.
2. Make the monk watch a 10 minute overview of my career.
3. Repeat.

It took us several hours to actually locate a monk. There were many false alarms (and kidnappings) involving women. These were easily placated by Visions of Jeff.
When we did eventually find a monk, it went pretty smoothly.
The language barrier wasn't a problem as we spoke the Universal Language of Love.
After several viewings of my collected career he spoke these simple words in broken English-- no doubt picked up by my spellbinding diction-- "I want thank Jeff Goldblum for being awesome and curing my angry feelings of non-peace".

His name was Jim and he went on to invent the peace that all those crazy Tibetan people enjoy.

Me and Alec packed up our things, got on Blumboy#1 and went on to our next location.

Join me next time as we examine the mystic pyramids of Egypt!